My Typical Emotional Rollercoaster Ride
Sundays have primarily been a church appointment and a Korean language class for me— occasionally alternating on the time that I actually hear the mass (9am- Myeongdong Cathedral / 1.30pm- Hyehwa church / 7.30 pm- Sogang University’s chapel) and sometimes escaping my afternoon Hangeul language sessions when laziness simply strikes at me.
Some unusual air of enthusiasm seem to have breathed in me today though, to feel extra good about doing these same, old stuff. You know how it is when you’ve been doing things out of some habit or routine? Yeah, exactly just that. You kind of don’t take note of how significant they can actually turn out to be, especially if you have been doing them (1) out of sheer childhood practice and (2) just so you can chill out and meet people.
First, I never really realized how brilliant my Korean language teacher is, and how she could just be so patient and diligent in making us the best Korean speakers in town. She’ll have a real, hard time with me, though :-( I nevertheless told myself how today’s class has so far been the most enjoyable class that I attended, getting my daily doze of laughs, yet learning and remembering a lot.
Second, I was back to seeing my favorite priest at the church that I go to for my evening mass, and I realized how he has become such a personal inspiration. I look at him and I see meekness. I hear his words thru the homily, and I hear rock-solid voice of truth and wisdom. He even looks a bit of a Jesus Christ to me. I mean, he looks like the typical Jesus Christ the movies would make Christ look like. And with that, I am in awe.
It’s not like I haven’t seen my teacher and the priest do their jobs as I participate in it, it just makes me feel thankful now to have these kinds of people around. People who make a difference in me.
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Now as if fate has never gotten tired of making those sudden turn of events to put my emotions on a rollercoaster again— I went home from church and got an unexpected, yet subconsciously prayed for thing to happen. It was as simple as wanting to get the longed-for confirmation from someone, that he has fully known and understood such feelings thrown, JUST SO HE’D KNOW. Nothing more wanted, but to get feel good about myself having poured it all. The hell I care if he actually decides to just shrug it off, and go on with his life. Because by that time, I would be able to join him in doing the same.
But of course, since I have that subconscious self that housed the long, suppressed feelings recently expressed in a little shit of a letter, it was hard to teach it to keep away from what the subconscious self naturally looks for—- anything that makes oneself better and happy. When one tells about his suppressed feelings to someone, it is because that someone has never really felt the same about you, and you want him to feel the same way, too.
And so I cry for not getting what the subconscious self hopes for. But just the same, the ill-thinking side of me falls those tears for some kind of redemption from such high and dangerous clinging. That I could finally lose the grip, because there really is nothing to hold on to. It has been made visible with the words that I got back, which seemed as if the person has been so much affronted by his numbness and my bluntness, and so he just went on to say what anyone would be expected to say when he has hurt someone. And so he asked that I bear with him. Which is actually, near to saying sorry. But not, really.
This should end it. I got what I wanted. And I have to let it go.
Some unusual air of enthusiasm seem to have breathed in me today though, to feel extra good about doing these same, old stuff. You know how it is when you’ve been doing things out of some habit or routine? Yeah, exactly just that. You kind of don’t take note of how significant they can actually turn out to be, especially if you have been doing them (1) out of sheer childhood practice and (2) just so you can chill out and meet people.
First, I never really realized how brilliant my Korean language teacher is, and how she could just be so patient and diligent in making us the best Korean speakers in town. She’ll have a real, hard time with me, though :-( I nevertheless told myself how today’s class has so far been the most enjoyable class that I attended, getting my daily doze of laughs, yet learning and remembering a lot.
Second, I was back to seeing my favorite priest at the church that I go to for my evening mass, and I realized how he has become such a personal inspiration. I look at him and I see meekness. I hear his words thru the homily, and I hear rock-solid voice of truth and wisdom. He even looks a bit of a Jesus Christ to me. I mean, he looks like the typical Jesus Christ the movies would make Christ look like. And with that, I am in awe.
It’s not like I haven’t seen my teacher and the priest do their jobs as I participate in it, it just makes me feel thankful now to have these kinds of people around. People who make a difference in me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now as if fate has never gotten tired of making those sudden turn of events to put my emotions on a rollercoaster again— I went home from church and got an unexpected, yet subconsciously prayed for thing to happen. It was as simple as wanting to get the longed-for confirmation from someone, that he has fully known and understood such feelings thrown, JUST SO HE’D KNOW. Nothing more wanted, but to get feel good about myself having poured it all. The hell I care if he actually decides to just shrug it off, and go on with his life. Because by that time, I would be able to join him in doing the same.
But of course, since I have that subconscious self that housed the long, suppressed feelings recently expressed in a little shit of a letter, it was hard to teach it to keep away from what the subconscious self naturally looks for—- anything that makes oneself better and happy. When one tells about his suppressed feelings to someone, it is because that someone has never really felt the same about you, and you want him to feel the same way, too.
And so I cry for not getting what the subconscious self hopes for. But just the same, the ill-thinking side of me falls those tears for some kind of redemption from such high and dangerous clinging. That I could finally lose the grip, because there really is nothing to hold on to. It has been made visible with the words that I got back, which seemed as if the person has been so much affronted by his numbness and my bluntness, and so he just went on to say what anyone would be expected to say when he has hurt someone. And so he asked that I bear with him. Which is actually, near to saying sorry. But not, really.
This should end it. I got what I wanted. And I have to let it go.
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